Twist:
Being one with the animals and understanding their life. She ventured into a difficult field, that few take on. She's not an adventurer nor an explorer, in fact she's not even exploring extreme dangers. No, Brittaney Hopkins, is a teacher.Startling;
Earlier this year, Britanny Hopkins found out that her services will no longer be needed at LASA High School. After only one year of being a teacher she is losing her job, and will be forced to find work elsewhere.
Descriptive:
Her room says everything about her. A calmness in the air layers the small shrieks coming from the parrot next door. Her room is greeted with the friendly words of _______(need to fact check)_______. Nothing though expresses herself as much as the biology and teaching material dispersed across the room.
I think that the second one is the best, but it still doesn't really pull me into the story, or make me want to read on...
ReplyDeleteWhat is it about: Ms. Hopkins herself? or being let go?
I like the first one the best, but I don't think you need the first sentence. Or maybe you could add it in later.
ReplyDelete:Deborah
I like the first one the best but I also like the last one as well. I think if you go with the last one you should include her name in the lead some where.
ReplyDeleteThe one about ms. hopkins needs to have more pathos and just clutch onto the reader's heart like a starving man and a piece of bread. Unless you're allergic to bread. whatever.
ReplyDeleteI like the first one and maybe you could add more in the beggining so that they get hooked into it and they continue reading it.
ReplyDeleteAK-47
The first one for me is really good but the other two are great as well, pick which ever fits the story the best.
ReplyDelete