Startling Statement
Across from me sits a man twice escaped from jail. His tanned skin shows years of sun. You'd never know it, but this man has graduated medical school and served in the army. Because of that, he was sent to jail. He would have been safe if he'd served in the North Vietnamese army.
Startling Statement
After escaping to Laos, Steven Hoang is sent back to jail. As a doctor, you wouldn’t think that he’d be in jail. But this isn’t America. In Communist Vietnam, anything goes.
Narrative
It's scorching outside, but there is an abundance of water. Unfortunately, it's all salt. The tepid breeze ruffles the sea as the boat drifts along, the last of the fuel dribbling out of the rent in its side. Quietly the thousands of men and women crouch, driven to exhaustion by the lack of supplies.
-[Asian X]
I like the first two.... I think the fist is the best, though add a bit of the second lead to the first
ReplyDeleteI really like the first and second leads. Probs the second, but I would do a little rewording. For example "After escaping to Laos, Doctor Steven Hoang is sent back to jail." or something like that. I don't know, say he is a doctor when you say he is sent to jail.
ReplyDelete:Deborah
I like the 1st one but I think that you should take off the last sentence because it takes away from the drama of the lead.
ReplyDeleteI like the first two because it just captures you from the first moment. The second one needs a little more to keep the reader going and interested. The third is good and detailed but it needs more POP and SIZZLE and BANG :D
ReplyDelete~AK-47
YEAAAAAARSSS OF SUNNNNNNNNNNNN.
ReplyDeleteentertaining leads that captured the soul and put tears in my eyes. Congratulations on making me extremely emotionally exceptionally unstable.
Startling1 was really interesting,and so was startling2. The description in the narrative was nice also.
ReplyDeleteI AM NOT AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE! BEE BOO BEEP! HELGA MATHERS IS NOT YOUR MOTHER, MAUREEN!REBECCA BLACK HAS FARTY PANTS!
ReplyDelete- Sirhan Sirhan